Con.trol

Over the last few months, I've kept myself consciously keen to the reasoning, that the only thing I can control about other people's actions, are my own reactions. I would be lying if I said, this came easily to me.

Control. Simply typing the word, I find comfort in it. Just now, saying it aloud, has the same savory warmth, the first bite of lobster, brings to my mouth every summer. I like to think I tread these waters nicely, my husband some, might say, I swim in this pool, too deep. (In my defense, there is a right way and a wrong way to make a grilled cheese sandwich, and Nate and I, both would be a lot happier in the end if he just let me grill the damn sandwich …. the right way)

What always surprises me, are the things I focus on, to control. Walks that turn into puddle jumping? Brilliant. Spontaneities, New Hampshire family vacations? I'm there. Friends dropping in on my upturned house, unannounced? More than welcomed. Grilling cheese sandwiches cooked improperly, that I'm not even planning on eating myself? Who cares? Well, apparently I do, a lot. 

An outward, right now, situation I felt it's necessary to physical control the outcome.

When I'm least in control with emotional situations that directly effecting my family core, I look for structure in throwing away useless kitchen utensils, organize closets only to throw the clothes back on the floor and re-organize again, or have a sudden overwhelming urge to find the one book, I'm not 100% convinced got lost, in the transition from that house to this house …. 6 years ago.   

An inward, less subtle, busy the body to distract the mind, refining self control.

Not until recently, have I thought these two controls are the same, relieved in different forms. And maybe they aren't. Maybe, I'm just the girl who plans the bigger-the-better parties, only to waste energy on the smallest and most unnoticeable detail (such as the precise placement of decorative stars scattered around the table, Goodnyou?). I could, very well be, the quickly to detach from situations Mumma, who focuses on all else until I'm ready to process, in my own time. I don't know if the two link. I don't know if they don't. I don't know, if right now, I want to explore that area of growth.

But until I figure it out, if I ever do, my reactions to other's actions are all that I can control…other than, the tidiness of our closets….. the perfect placement of our shoes… an overly organized toy room…micro-organized craft table… and the fact that nothing, but perfectly grilled cheese sandwiches, will be eaten in this household… and for that Richardson family… you are welcome… I think.