Tuesday, August 1

Summer's Social Surrender

It's been a minute since I've been in this space.
I'm trying to accurately referencing a current 'saying' I've been hearing lately and find I like.
I think I used it correctly.....

I follow this trend motto much better than when Wesley responded to me with a "that's lit fam" and I found myself literally squinting my eyes and reaching my face toward him by just my neck, asking "what?" as if that exact effort would make me understand him better when he repeated it... I've gathered since then that it's similar to when a friend and I went through a phase in high school of stating "rocksteady!" to everything we liked or found exciting....

.......and yes...... you're right...it wasn't a phase for me.... I still say 'rocksteady' from time to time, but tell me there isn't a one word, powerhouse, exclamatory that sums up an excited response more perfectly.

Where was I going with this anyways? Oh right....
What I'm trying to say is that it's been some time since I've written. There has simply been a combination of life things that coupled with my avoidance to want to hurt people's feelings, even if it is primarily based at the expense or response to other people's actions, when dealing with some of my own family's process, experiences and reactions, I just avoid writing because I can't hide behind words, it's why I enjoy them so much, they bare me. So consequently there is no.way. I'm going to put effort into writing for my family to reminisce on and have it all be rainbows and unicorns about only our happier times. So I distanced myself. Live undocumented in this space.

But that's not necessarily fair to me, so here I am, on the 1st day of the last month of school's summer vacation, writing.

And as many of you know, there is no time I love more than when my kids are home with me.  This Stay At Home Mom thing is what my fibers are made from. So much so that sometime self identity outside of this roll is hard to recognize and uncomfortable for me, however that's a post for another time.

I've always been the cruise director of our summer livin'. I create their social environments, coaching their sport teams, cart them around town to pick up their friends to come along with us, put on dodgeball tournaments, host kick ball games, feed the masses, schedule the vacations, forces them to listen to me sing Moana at the top of my lungs in the van,  lead them on experiences of seizing, and pretty much guide the way on all daily activities I feel are things I think they would find fun or at least create memories from during their time away from school.

Basically, their schedule is my schedule, created for them.

Now is where I'll admit all that I've tried to ignore this summer so far, but there has been a changing of the tides....

My schedule has become their schedule, created by THEM..... and seeing as they went along with me steering the ship so easily, one would think I'd go along just the same with being directed.....

Welp, I'm not.

Where I once played an active roll in their participation of busy, I've been demoted to the supporting cast, based on giving them rides to their social partaking only to be beckoned back when needed for them to come home.

They have the nerve to be gone most of the day during the school year, now that it's my time to have them home with me all day, they've got other plans...... that don't include me..... Which leaves me with only one question to ask..... What kind of monsters am I raising?

Yes, when I was 14 years old I didn't want to hang out with my parents.
Yes, I've put a lot of effort into raising independent, capable children.
Yes, I know the value that comes with given responsibility to spreading your wings outside of your Mother's watchful eye.
Yes, I know confidence grows in freedom.

All I'm saying is.. How could they do this to me? Their own mother.

Needless to say, I'm handling this all very well.
If you're feeling brave, Feel free to point out at any time that this is nothing compared to the abyss of lonely they are going to vault me into in the coming years.

I've been left with no other choice than to surrender my idea of what our social should look like this summer if I want to maximize the enjoyment of the short time I have with my kids the rest of it... when THEY DO decided to include me.... Who knows, maybe I'll learn to like it, even prefer it this way maybe...... Is this how Grumpy Old Men are created?

Either way, I'm working on embracing this new structure to our summer and I'm sure the remainder is going to be completely lit fam! ..... Did I do that right, Wes? Wesley? oh... yaaa......  I'll just sit here and stew in emotions while I wait for him to get home from hanging out with everyone but me, so I can check to see if I did.

{thank you Beth Somers for the photos of Wesley playing baseball, xoxo}

Wednesday, September 28

Dear Calvin, 8 years old

8 year's old is a big year for you, Monkey.
Finally, you're tall enough to ride the bigger rides at the fair.
Finally, you can play pee-wee basketball.
FINALLY! you can try out for the Little League team.

And I must say, we are all just as excited, as you are to finally be able to.

Right now, sports "are your thing". You're competitive drive is driven by such a genuine force, there's no way to keep from being energized by your efforts.
Your heart consistently remains on your sleeve and I'll admit I'm not always the best at knowing how to handle your raw, always on the surface emotions.

I worry a lot about your gentle kindness, with hopes of it sustaining and rooting in confidence as you grow, rather than letting the world jade you from its lack of it's own affection at times.

You continue to be too kind to Joey who manipulates you too often and I know Wesley provokes you too much, but in the less loud hours of each day, it's clear to see how much Bean depends on you as hers and how Bubby leans on the comfort in your ora.

You're a rule follower, a creative thinking, a considerate friend and your father's little shadow.

Your sweetness and charm are what I feel will make you a force in success in this game of life, but also know that your own unawareness of those very traits, is what will be the most impactful to those who are lucky enough to share your time.

I watched you make a wish this summer.
Your eyes caught on a shooting star and mirrored it's glow, your face lit slightly, you're eyes closed slowly, and the look of hope settled on your face. As soon as your wish was made, you returned your attention to making a s'more, without a mention of any of it.

It left me breathless.
To be  fortunate enough to be looking at you in that split moment, to witness such innocence, I won't questions, but will certainly be so so thankful for.

I thought about asking you what you wished, I wanted to be let in on such magic. Every fiber of me wanted to make it come true for you. But, I left it alone. Keeping that moment to myself, as much as you kept the wish to yours, while I scanned the sky hoping to find a shooting star of my own to wish on for you.

I love all of you at 8, Monkey-man..

Love, Love,


Thursday, September 15

Summer's So Much Fun

I'm happy to report, we have had a successful first week.5 of school under our belts and though we live in a small town, it's been nice to catch up with those who's faces I mostly see within the months of school's session.

This summer, I found myself welcoming the life style of selective. Not regrettingly {just made that word right up!} at all.  I'll admit I struggled with feeling guilty about answering how our summer has been going, when people would ask. Without hesitation I found myself blurting out, "It's been amazing! We're having so.much.fun!" and I rarely had anyone mirror my excitement in summah 2016.

In return, I more often than not got too many dismissive "must be nice"'s and instantly, I would through myself into sound boarding their summer woes and stressful times that have happened to those I hadn't been directly involved with outside the months of September -June and despite my truly genuine interested in their well being, my own blissful unawareness of anyone outside my select, made me feel like I was being a big snobby jerk, rubbing other's noses in my care free ways of a hella good time.

I sometimes entertained the thought of lessening my own summer fist pumping state, considered back pedaling  and dulling my initial excitement.... but I never did..... because honestly I didn't want that for myself, wouldn't be sincere in its intent, and am not an active participant in the game of one upping in life anyways..... especially in the woe vs. woe department.

I would promise myself to reign it in the next time someone asks and then we would spend a Saturday with an impromptu dance party, in the pool, in the dark, with hair band music playing and then there I would go again gushing about how.much.fun. we're having the next time someone asked.

I couldn't help myself and I don't think I really tried to either.

{yes ladies, he's single}

Trust me when I say we've had our own share of heavy things to carry this summer. I've done my own sound boarding to my closest friends, who came running for me to process my worries with their time. I've bent Nate's ear on the unjust of people's actions at other's expense. I've felt sorry for myself. I've yelled at my kids out of hunger. I've allowed myself to embrace the nature of my sometime looked down on hermit ways. I've almost cried and ate my negative emotions in the form pasta a few times more than that.

I realize it's human nature to feel the weight of our own worry the heaviest and know it's a direct connection of instinctual survival skills to do so. We are suppose to feel our emotions the most, to make the necessary efforts to protect ourselves the greatest. But you'd be hard pressed to convince me the 'not so fun' times have a stronger dog in the fight when it comes up against the 'so.much.fun' ones.

I don't want to nurture the woes warrior part of myself to make others feel more comfortable when good times need their duel diligence in the lime light  of catching up between shopping carts at the grocery store.


So my summer was amazing. I think the kids would high five about theirs too. We've pushed our energy into the 'want to' of the right now, worked hard in both responsibility and reward, prepared for the unwanted to find itself some room from time to time too, but really really focused on excising only worrying about that for the time it was needing our attention and carrying on after. Minimally looking back.

Now, I'll admit if the idea of the outside influences being more readily available to seeping their way in, didn't send me in a bit of a Post Summer Panic, I'd be misleading you. BUT, that's because I wasn't being fair to the influences to outside these walls.... those effects are more good than bad... and honestly, I'll be the first to say the examples set inside these walls sometimes aren't always on their best behavior either...

Aaaaaaanyways, it may not have been the most reasonable of me to lead in detaching us as much as I did this summer, but I felt very out of control over the course being directed for me and mine by the times Spring came around and creating space is a natural defense mechanism for me, so I went ahead and I embraced that.

And now that summer's over, I feel like I've got my feet back under me and am ready to merge deeper into the less controlled environment, with the prerogative of simply carry over with the so.much.fun.


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