For someone who is very 'out there' in the forms of social media, I also hold certain aspects of my life close to my chest. I not only like to control the information that gets thrown out into the world outside of this house's four walls, but that what I do release, isn't carelessly released in a haste of negative energy… This case, is not exempt.
After the whirl wind weeks we've had, the emotional ups and down within the unknown of the day to days, countless conversation, with the ones we love, laced with tears, anger, laughter, and drive, we're now at the point in our family's process to trump the mill of rumors and rest at ease the small town hear-say.
Though I played the "it's just a broken collar bone" roll, appeasing the curiosity of those who need not waste in the worry, this week, after many hoops jumped, I was officially diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
Lets stop right here for a minute and let me just say… I don't want this information, displayed in this little space of mine, to flock the drama seekers… I don't want my door kicked down by a bunch cancer fighting rallied warriors… I don't want a flood of meat and cheese platters, despite my love of all sodium packed deli products...
What I do want... is for this place to be an area of escape from the schedules and appointment, chemo and needles… I want Goodnyou? to provide the kind of therapy, writing has always given me…I want to be able to love the day fiercely ... I want to be able to not like life at all… I want to stomping my feet and screaming "it's not fair" … I want to show my fears and embrace my struggles….
It feels like we've already been walking for miles, though we know we've just barely settled our footing on this newly foraged path. I'm ready for the triumphs and prepared for the challenges that will push me to the limits, only grow me in the areas I unknowingly need it the most, along the way.
Thursday, June 20
Monday, June 10
Dear Calvin, {5 year's old}
You turned 5 years old, less than a month ago. Right now, you're sleeping in your bed after the second night of my "you're old enough to go to bed awake, rather than having Daddy, hauling you from the couch after you've fallen asleep watching Sponge Bob" approach.
Life's been crazy lately. I'm sorry if it feels like the memories of your birthday, have been shoved to the back burner, but the haven't.
I'm in one of those weird places were the reality is…. it's only been 20 days since you turned 5 years old, but it somehow feels like 20 weeks… sitting here on the couch, by myself, I feel confident enough to tell you that sometimes life is stupid… that's it… just stupid.
Fortunately, for all of life's stupidity, you counter with brilliance. That light that pours from your deep brown eyes, that smile that's just crooked enough to disarm to most guarded of hearts… it's good stuff, good good stuff… and I'm humble enough to realize how lucky I am to be exposed to it, daily.
Since May 20th, I've had running through my head, the exact things that I wanted to construct for your Dear Calvin: you're 5 years old post… How I watch you play, at random times through the day and envying your innocent… How my chest sometimes gets this tightness when I think about how, after this summer, you're going to be gone to school for more day than you'll be home… I think about how selfish I am, for not wanting to share you with this world, but at the same time proud, when I watch others helpless drawn to your gentleness… How you're mischievous in the most genuinely curious way….
Over the last few weeks, these thought have effortless streamed in my thoughts, with a beautiful flow, but now I can't help but feel like I'm grasping at straws to string words together, in a coherent way…
Simply… You're a third of my world and we all know how lucky we are to get the chance to love you,
Life's been crazy lately. I'm sorry if it feels like the memories of your birthday, have been shoved to the back burner, but the haven't.
I'm in one of those weird places were the reality is…. it's only been 20 days since you turned 5 years old, but it somehow feels like 20 weeks… sitting here on the couch, by myself, I feel confident enough to tell you that sometimes life is stupid… that's it… just stupid.
Fortunately, for all of life's stupidity, you counter with brilliance. That light that pours from your deep brown eyes, that smile that's just crooked enough to disarm to most guarded of hearts… it's good stuff, good good stuff… and I'm humble enough to realize how lucky I am to be exposed to it, daily.
Since May 20th, I've had running through my head, the exact things that I wanted to construct for your Dear Calvin: you're 5 years old post… How I watch you play, at random times through the day and envying your innocent… How my chest sometimes gets this tightness when I think about how, after this summer, you're going to be gone to school for more day than you'll be home… I think about how selfish I am, for not wanting to share you with this world, but at the same time proud, when I watch others helpless drawn to your gentleness… How you're mischievous in the most genuinely curious way….
Over the last few weeks, these thought have effortless streamed in my thoughts, with a beautiful flow, but now I can't help but feel like I'm grasping at straws to string words together, in a coherent way…
Simply… You're a third of my world and we all know how lucky we are to get the chance to love you,
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