Our Easter: 2014

This year our Easter weekend was slow paced and easy going.

We didn't have the rush of busy, that always comes with Holidays in this house. Admittedly, I thrive in that rush… in fact, I'm always the one who sets the pace so steadily…

I'm not sure why this year played out to be so nonchalant, but it did, and though I do love the high that comes with the exhaustion of being full steam ahead, I nestled in the low that this past weekend provided.

Despite…. 

The Easter bunny not getting their crap together until Friday night

Or extra eggs not having been dyed

Forgetting to get Bunny Bait laid out the night before

And not having one single Cadbury eggs to be found

…. things turned out alright.

Imagine that.

The kids had fun, were funny, and on a constant sugar high, regardless.

I love going the extra mile in small details, putting effort into the things others don't notice, but I will miss if I don't.

I seek self validation on setting that bar at an almost unachievable high, yet somehow meeting my mark.

I get that way sometimes, thinking its the above and the beyond that creates the traditional memories for Holidays.

I know it's not and I don't apply that type of mentality to our day to day, where I know the memories are made in the details of the unexpected, subtle, and naturally provided, but special occasions provoke that part of me, what can I say.

My brain is in a funny place right now, little memories, details of things I should know, and simple approaches to the every day, are all hiding away, not offering themselves up, until I put the mental leg work into seeking them out.

Last Friday, I had a mild panic moment in the kid's school hallway, when a friend mentioned the Easter Bunny's 'big Easter gift' .... I couldn't remember if we did 'big Easter gift' ... {we don't}... but as my memory scampered around my brain looking in every nook and cranny, while up turning tables, muttering "Eastermemory, Eastermemory, Eastermemory" to its self... I was in a full state of dumb found...

When Easter past thoughts rallied and school hall conversation concluded, I couldn't help but feel an odd mixture of frustration for not having this information at my forebrain, but also a sense of relief for having been able to remember it all.

Easter night, I listened through open windows to the kids playing outside and filling the air with belly laughs, they were cracking each other up and talking about statical defenses again zombie attacks.

They were throwing rocks into the woods and bursting at the seems in a fit of giggles when one of them would drop the word "poop".

They ran over to pet the chickens and raced back to grab the better of the two swings, compromised on turns taken with out any tattlers running for the house.

It's was comforting to listen to, completely supported our reasons behind not doing the big gifts on Easter and why I feel there is so much more value in the day's pace provided, especially on a Holiday day.

Even when the extra details get forgotten, the pace notched at an unusual slow, and despite my memory lacking….

I know, my kids are not.

I Want My Sexy Back

Allow me to warn you... I'm the perfect storm of inhabited writing right now... I'm tired... physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually ... I'm pretty sure the monthly beast is on her way and that beer I've had… yep… straight to the head.

This typically is the time where I would harass my friends… relentlessly…  but I'm trying to do better by them… if only for a night.

I have so many talons of frustration clenched into the stress of my shoulders right now, coupled with the weariness of having many irons in the fire along with an aching back….. literally, my back aches.. mostly because it has confused itself with one that should be 81 years old…

Regardless, there is so much I could spout off about…all as equally as petty as the next…

Right now, the kids are all in their own beds… Nate's gone to sleep as well and here I sit…amongst snoring dogs…  dimmed lights… Citizen Cane's pandora station streaming… some Bravo show on the TV… a beer buzzed head…and the specifics of those mundane daily woes have been fuzzy…

Except one griff…{is griff even a word}… anyways… the one thing I can't shake lately, is the feeling of being my less than sexy self.

There I've said it, I miss feeling sexy.

Now wait…. before my phone starts buzzing with encouraging text from friends telling me all the things I don't need to hear about beauty, support, love, and bitch slaps… read on… my confidence has not wavered… I don't question the character that is held within my statured walls… I'm not challenging myself for growth… I know my strength and am not currently thumb pushing my weaknesses…. what I'm simply saying is…. I'm missing my sexy.

And damn it, I want my sexy back.

Maybe it has something to do with my hair growing in an awkward stage of gross.
Maybe it has something to do with spring feeling like a never ending winter.
Maybe it has something to do with extra weight feeling awkward on my frame.
Maybe it has something to do with needing a hell of a lot more sleep than I have ever needed before.
Maybe it has something to do with not having enough Jack Johnson in my life.
Maybe it has something to do with knowing my mind hasn't rebounded fully yet.
Maybe it has something to do with having a back that feels like it's in it's early eighties.
Maybe it has something to do with the a certain over sized maternity hooded sweater I'm driven to wear nightly.
Maybe it has something to do with my avoidance of writing.
Maybe it has something to do with a combination of it all.
Maybe it has something to do with nothing at all.

All I'm trying to say is, it's something and the result of this is that I don't feel sexy…. and I miss it.
Who knew there could be such longing.

Now don't get me wrong… It's not like I'm normally channeling that Jessica Rabbit vibe all the live long day… but I can't ever remember a time in my life I haven't been able to pin point the lack of sexiness to a specific.

I'm left empty handed here and there really isn't too much I can do about it, but wait it out until it finds its way back to me.

Until then, I'll have to settle for pulling from all the areas I have that drive my confidence, which are so many…. and resort to Kings Of Leon lullaby me to bed every night… because that doesn't hurt kicking off any sort of search and rescue.