Saturday, September 28

Saturday Morning Stream of Consciousness

Right now, I'm sitting in a still house, drinking coffee, with Pumpkin Spice creamer…. it's delicious.

It's going to be a beautiful day. One that we will be able to spend as a family, all five of us.

Having a day, with all 5 of us together, is rare… sure we spend plenty of time together, but that's typically in the trenches of daily routine, the hustle of the day.

I so badly want to write a post that has nothing to do with cancer. I can feel this hollow pit in my chest, that wants to write, it's a feeling that keep growing in it's intensity, much like… well... cancer… {har har har}… whether it be about the boring, mundane, details of the day… or something more emotional.. I just want to write, creatively.

But, if there is one thing I know about the release of writing is that it can't come forced.
The fact that I haven't written for so long doesn't help either.
The topic has bottle nosed itself, now hasn't it.
Though our day-to-days no longer revolve around the mayhem of the diagnosis, a lot of the unprocessed feelings do.

So I'm working my way, back into hopefully an increase of frequency of writing.
Starting with exposing the pinball like pattern of my random thought….

Like, how Wesley has decided to play the trumpet, which I'm really excited about. It makes me feel like such a mom, signing off on the school's band paper.

About how I only have one chemo left …. and although the hair loss has never been an insecurity of my own or anything to do with the driving force of the decision of why I buzzed my hair so early in the game, I wouldn't mind, if the bits of fuzz, I do have remaining on this head, held on for 3 more week.

Only flicker on the thought that people's actions have proven yet again, to speak louder than their words.

Indulge in the projected thought of all the football food I'm going to plow into my face hole, come tomorrow afternoon.

Acknowledge the fact that I really should use this day, to get the outside, 'winter ready' as the streaks of snow start to appear in the Mountain's crevasse…

… and now that my family has started to flock from their rooms, with crusted eyes and still half a sleep staggered walks. Their demands of juice are high and requests for cartoons are being made.

I need more coffee.

How I had been craving corn beef hash, until I actually bought some and haven't had a thought about it since…. until now.

But most importantly, it's going to be a beautiful day.

Happy Saturday.


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