Tuesday, January 21

2014's Jerk Brake Start

I sometimes wish my days as an adult, were mimicked in the routine of my days when I was in school… not in that waking up with minutes to spare before the bell, but not caring if I was really late, pretending I had hiccups in Math and needed a drink, so I could walk the halls avoiding breaking down word problems and waving through the classroom door windows to my friends, or writing just good enough in English class so I would get basketball approved grades, but not good enough so that I had to read in front of the class itself,  kind of way, but in that, there was an assigned start time, designated end time for all things appointed important, kind of way.

The day broken down in segments, 20 minutes for morning coffee, followed by 40 minutes for house cleaning, 10 minutes to load the washer, 15 for a snack break, and each day represented by 'specials' such as grocery store runs, play dates, floor scrubbing, hikes, product making, and Target trips.

I know, if I were to implement it into my days now, I would hate it, fight against it, probably write a poem about running up steps made of clouds, that I would later burn, and end up rebelling against myself …

More than likely jig doing the laundry and sneak myself through a window that was too high from the ground for it to be smart to go through, but low enough to the ground that the reality of serious harm would be little….

Aaaaaah the good ol' day of overly emotionally driven justified acts of rebellion…

Anyways, as I was saying, lately I've been envy of the idea of such consistent structure to a schedule …. to a point…

I know everyone struggles with the battle of "finding time for it all" and I know the only reason I'm even craving it so badly right now is because I feel like the jerk brake drivers. You know the ones, when they hit the gas too hard to go and the brake just as hard to stop.

One day, I'm balls to the wall, I want it all, the world is mine, yet under stimulated.
The next, I want to eat endless pasta, watch mindless TV, take on little responsibly, remain under driven.

I don't like it.
It's not me.
People tell me to relax.
In my head I yell back, "you relax!"
Which makes me laugh to myself.
I feel better.

I don't even feel like I've started this year yet…just a bunch of false starts… finally got myself a 2014 calendar, just today, I started filling in the dates with obligations and forming the outline of how this year will hopefully be spent.

It's a start.

It will help get my butt up and head grounded, which falls right in line with my self reminder of 'the worse I avoid doing something, the more that something really needs to be done'…

Plus, it turns out faking hiccups doesn't seem to get me out of much these days.

Wednesday, January 1

Dear 2013,

**some not so nice words used below**
**I could have used worse**

I've been sitting here for the last 15 minutes, typing, erasing, re-typing, only to erase again.

Awhile back, I read a quote that said, "what you write, before you edit, is what you really mean to say". I've thought about that a lot… like a lot, a lot… I've worked it around my brain quite a bit… from a lot of different angles of interpretation, to how many places this could be implied, and to in how many situations utilized… I wondered if when other people read the same words as I did, would they give it as much thought as I have...

But I've digressed from what I'm really trying to say, what I'm trying to get around to, all the 'type, erasing, re-typing' I've been doing, it didn't play to your favor for me not to edit… and I edit after I write, because I don't like to offend, I don't like to make people feel less than, I don't point weaknesses out, and more importantly I want to be nice….

But I see no other way, to move from where I am, to where I need to be without frankly saying….

2013, you were a piss wagon bitch hat…. one I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about punching in the boob.

You challenged me, you made me grin, you made me bare, you made me questions if I was even the same person I thought I was when we first met… {answer: I'm not}…. you gave me guilt over things I couldn't control, and you gave me no control over all that I was feeling guilty about.

It was offensive, you made me feel less than, more than exposed my weaknesses, you weren't nice.

But with all this, I worked so hard to take in stride and you knew I would..…  you knew I would put those big girl pants on, you knew I would take it for what it was, head strong, carry on.

You knew I would find the silver lining, you knew I would suck it up a lot, complain about it a little. You knew my defiant nature would not allow many tears to be shed on your watch.

Right here feels about where I should turn this into a 'what doesn't kill you makes you strong' post or a 'look who's got the last laugh now' rallied write, but I'm not going to do that, I can't do that. I'd only be saying it for others if I did. I need to start healing from you and on the first day of 2014 is where I plan to start.

We both know I am not stronger at the end of your reign, 2013, than I was at the beginning of it…. in fact, I am very much weaker…. mentally, physically, emotionally and energetically.

You have however, focused me to get back to what my personal best can be.

Mentally, I often compare myself to a broken pencil that's been put back together with tape… Whole in form, but not in fibers.

I'm at my weakest weak… I am under no illusion that I will even be back to my strongest strong… but I'll be strong again, nonetheless.

My core has premaritally softened in some ways, hardened in others, but that's ok…. I'm here and working back to healthy.

I haven't found my resolve with you yet, but I'm sure I will…in time… I'm not a grudge holder and besides, I have a really horrid memory for the finer details in the depth of bad…

I'd like to think 2014 will be the edit to what you had to write in 2013, but I don't think that quote would really apply to this situation now would it… because if that were the case, that would mean you were a down right rotten whore… and that's just not nice, now is it.



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