Sunday, August 11

Chemo's Half Way Mark: Now, Just That Far Again

Last night, I woke up around 2:00 am and couldn't fall back to sleep. In the time between unknowingly slipping into the world of dream, I had written a blog post in my head. I write often in my head, but can never remember any of it after it's mental publication.

I'm satisfied just the same, but the therapeutic process, but wouldn't mind having such an effortless flow, with blogger opened and the "new post' page pulled up, because there were good things streaming. And in time, they will be addressed again, it would just be much more convenient for me, if they would resurface at this very moment.

I'm in a weird state right now… I'm at my half way mark of chemo and the doctor has adjusted one of my med, in hopes to not make me feel so poorly… let me just stop right here and draw attention to the fact that I just put together the words, "in hopes to not make me feel so poorly" … apparently this adjustment of medication has also turned me into sounding like an 1800's century proper bitty….

What I'm really trying to say is, I'm feeling good about only feeling this bad. Don't get me wrong, this bad, isn't that much fun either, but it seems to be lacking that underlining tone of panic that would creep into my chest when I would think about having to do it again … and again…. and again… and then again.

Right now, I'm still laid up in bed, missing my babies, surrounded by empty milkshake containers, Advil on standby for a head that is aware of any increase of it's ache, and have every inch of my body covered with multiple layers, to ward off this unshakable coldness that some how still produces an impressive amount of sweat. But unlike the times before, the "ride the wave" mentality is followed by a tide of confidence that maybe I just might not break, after all.

Everyone has been focused on this last treatment, marking the half way point, a small victory in a hard battle. I have been focusing on finishing this round's treatment, before even allowing myself to feel that satisfaction of only having to go this far, that far again, {with radiation's path still looming} but even now, I'm just feeling good, about feel better, when I've been prepared to feel so much worse.

I'm not foolish enough to think that tomorrow my tune may change and when my moment of weak hits, I very well may shake my first at the false promise of today, because there is a lot I hate about all of this and those are areas that will need their therapeutic addressing as well.

Let's just hope for reflective purpose's sake, it's one that avoids the wee-hours of being mentally published.

Now, I nap.


Ange Cilley said...

Brave and brilliant you are, bitty:)

Emily Walsh said...

Hi! I was just checking a few of your posts and had a quick question about your blog. I was hoping you could email me back when you get the chance -emilywalsh688 (at) Thanks : )



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