Hell Of A Time

I've mentioned before how I've been caught between this place of "what the hell?" and "hell ya!"

It's like I've been try to pull a mental trick of the hand.

If I focus on having a good time, all the time, the life's bad wouldn't want to interrupt me, it would see I'm too busy for it, leave me alone, let me be.

I know it's an avoidance habit I developed a long time ago.

Delay the process of harsher life's realities, by running full speed in a good time guided direction.

I don't see this as a bad thing in myself, in fact I think I would have been more susceptible to indulging in self pity had I let myself spend too much time in the less than ideal of life's wake.

But recently, I've been slowing my mental self down, unknowingly at first and desperately as of lately.

You know how sometimes you don't know how thirsty you are until you start to take a drink, then you're body instinctively takes over and before you know it you're guzzling straight from that milk carton like your hydration levels well..... depend on it....

That's how I felt this year on our family's annual vacation to Well's Beach, I didn't realize how much I needed to draw from being surrounded by my family, until I was submerged within it's core.

My cousin referred to it as a "soul feeding" and truly, it was just that.

I've been sitting here for the last 10 minutes trying to figure out the best way to describe my family's ora, but typing words to read like "predictable", "even", "unhurried" and "passive" don't support the feeling I'm trying to convey of an environment provided to allow yourself to be unguardedly simple.

This was a month back now, but I've been steadily pulling from it since.

Although our family's "what the hell?" hurdles haven't been unavoidable, I'm finding my distraction tactics have also allowed my confidence to simultaneously be chipped away.    

 This morning I woke feeling like I've got my feet back on the ground. Feeling as if my center is working itself back to certain...... I've really missed this part of me in a"hell ya!" kind of way.