Over the weekend, I've starts this post, in my mind, more than I probably should admit. I've thought about opening with how when I was putting Wesley on the bus for the first time…. our house was nothing but a shell in the background and Calvin, just weeks established in my belly.
I've thought about when Wesley stepped on the bus that first time and how I distracted myself with the excitement from everyone else, who watched him board. I mimicked their smiles, showcased the proud mom pride, and threw out a few light hearted jokes about chasing after the bus, throwing a party, or taking a nap.
Then when I let the day's events sink in… 5 hours later… I left Nate, Wesley, and my in-law's house... curled up on the patio furniture in the privacy of the barn, that sat on our newly purchased land, and cried, cried, cried…. and then cried some more.
Tonight's the first night I've actually let the fact that Calvin is starting school sink in.…3 days later…
Replace the shell frame for my now house, the barn for my home, and the patio furniture for this very couch…. the scenery different, the emotions….spot on.
To be honest, having "The Garden You Planted" by Sea Wolf, randomly stream into my ear buds, pretty much just did me in for good 12 minute sob fest.
I feel almost ridiculous having the reaction I do about such an inevitable chapter in the life of my child. A milestone that, as a mother, I've looked forward to as much as I dread.
Calvin is ready for something more than the days of crafts with Mumma, endless play with his sister, grocery store visits, and count downs until his brother comes home.
To me, Calvin stepping on that bus Friday, carrying him to school, away from his home, away from me, I felt as if I silently nodded my head to Life, once again, conceding to allow so much more of the all of the world, into his.
More world than I can control, more world than I can protect him from, and more world than I can prepare him for.
I'd be foolish not to acknowledge that this world has so much good, because it does… the good is the exact thing I focus on pointing out to my babies every day.
It just feels so much heavier, for me, to be the one, who's got to step back and let the world see for itself….how good, my walking hearts, are for it too.